French Moms and Social Psychologist Silliness

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Should parents shout, "Vive la France"? (Image via Wikipedia)

This weekend, I read the Wall Street Journal’s wonderful article “Why French Moms are Superior” by Pamela Druckerman, who has written a book with the same theme (Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting) that is being published today. It seems to be similar in spirit to the recent “Tiger Mom” fad, inspired by Amy Chua’s book about the benefits her daughters had gained from her Chinese (versus nominally Western) approach to parenting.

Those who think such books are simply a matter of the horrific “Let’s adopt the practices of other cultures because everything truly American stinks” should think again, because they are not necessarily so. Judging by her WSJ article, Mrs. Druckerman’s discoveries in France match the parenting techniques and approaches that I have seen in many happy households here in the U.S. — frankly, many biblical approaches to parenting, that, indeed, are shamefully lacking on this side of the Atlantic. For instance, there is a focus on real parental authority in the home, “discipline” as training and not just as punishment, being loving but firm and expecting obedience, not seeing good parents as those who are “at the constant service of their children” (which, in reality, does a disservice to those children).

Reactions to the article and the book have varied, some good and some stupid.  Closer to the latter end of that spectrum were some of the reactions I saw in a Yahoo! “Shine” item on the book, “Are French Women the New Tiger Mothers?” provided by a “social psychologist” who “specializes in parenting.”

For instance, here’s the beginning of one such instance:

“While you can’t blame parents for everything, some popular parenting practices aren’t worth adapting. A 2003 poll found that 84 percent of French parents admit to slapping or spanking their child.”

You have to love that choice of word, “admit.” Interesting how the choice of a single word can make spanking seem like something one should be ashamed of, isn’t it? After all, who would say, “Yes, I admit that I kiss my wife on the cheek every morning”?

Expect the standard (false) equivocation: spanking = abuse. And to deliver on our expectation, the article provides the social psychologist “expert”:

“Anytime you hit or spank a child, you are teaching them that that’s acceptable behavior,” Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist who specializes in parenting, tells Shine. “There’s study after study that says abused children have the potential to become abusers themselves. From my thinking there’s no excuse for a parent hitting their child.”

Did you catch the switch? The move from “spank” to “abuse”? I’m glad that she qualified that last sentence with a “From my thinking” — that’s more qualification than most give.

(I’ve posted on spanking before — here and here. The “spanking = abuse” scam is one of the most damaging aspects of our society’s approaches to child rearing.)

But the “good advice well” in the article had not yet run dry…

But there are some things we can teach the world, too. “American parents are known for putting their children first,” says Newman. “As a result, children overall feel and know they’re special.”

This is a bit ambiguous, so I’d love to give our “expert” the benefit of a doubt as to what she really means. But does this mean putting the children’s “needs” at the very top of the family’s needs? If so, then it’s contributing to part of our society’s problems not the solutions.  If spanking them supposedly turns them into abusive monsters (it doesn’t), then why doesn’t making sure the children’s desires come first in everything turn them into narcissistic little entitlement monsters (it does)? We suffer from a terrible “I’m special and the world owes me” entitlement mentality in younger people today, thanks to the insidious influence of Darth Rogers. (Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit. Mister Rogers was a sweet fellow. But read the article at the link for what I’m talking about.) And families have been ruined by the choices some parents make in putting their children’s wants ahead of even the health of their marriage, ironically and tragically sacrificing the most important foundation children need in the name of those same children.

If anyone reads the article or book for himself or herself, feel free to leave your comments below. But, as the above comments demonstrate, don’t expect it to be reviewed sensibly by a society that may see some of its most cherished “sacred cows” offered up as barbecue.

Follow up on “Chinese Moms”

I just noticed these Wall Street Journal follow ups on the “Chinese mothers” article to which I referred yesterday.  One is a review of Ms. Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  The other is a counter point from someone raised with a more laid back approach: “In Defense of Laissez Faire Parenting.”

I thought that those who read yesterday’s post might be interested in these.

Is the “Chinese mother” a superior model?

Amy Chua at the 2007 Texas Book Festival, Aust...
Author Amy Chua ((CC) Larry D. Moore.)

Forget the Chinese stealth fighter, and make way for the Chinese mother!

I am going to post this link without much comment (I will leave that to all of you), but I have to say that it grabbed my attention!  Refreshing in ways, startling in others, eyebrow raising in most…  If the article was meant to provoke interest in the author’s book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, it worked for me.  (And after grabbing the URL for that link, I’m a little interested in the author’s World on Fire, as well, the author of both being Yale professor and “Chinese mother” Amy Chua.)

I couldn’t help but think of a proverb when I read this passage in the article:

“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up.  But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.”

Which proverb?  “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15).  How many parents cave to that foolishness?  And how many today would find the idea that a parent must “override” their child’s “preferences” absolutely horrifying?  (Regardless of where you draw the line, you would have to agree that some parents today have refused to manage their children’s “preferences” resulting in absolutely horrific consequences.)

The passage on being called “garbage” and repeating the act with her own daughter (and what sort of childhood crime would result in such a designation) makes for interesting reading, as well.

Oh–the whole article is interesting reading…  Whether it will make you happy, sad, or horrified, you should check it out: “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” (One of the tabs on the page contains a video of two moms descended from “Chinese mothers” who are taking a different path, for those who would like to see another point of view.)